The 24th Year
You guys... I honestly can't believe that I am 24 today! It is so crazy. I kind of have been freaking out about it to be honest. I know it isn't that old, like I get it. BUT it is super close to 25. Which means then I am almost to 30 and I am just not ready for that.
I know it's a known thing but seriously as I get older time speeds up! The days are over in a blink and the years just change like the turn of a page in a book. Maybe you don't feel this. And if you don't, then lucky you. But I feel it. BIG TIME.
Reflecting on this life I have lived this past year I was able to discover a few things. I love the milestones I have accomplished in my life like living in my own apartment, finishing my first year of grad school, and surviving a long distance relationship. I love the friends and family that I have both new and old. I love who I am and where I have been. But I think one thing that is still holding me back. I don't know where I am going... I don't know what my future has in store for me.
23 was a really hard year for me. I went to a new school and I thought I would take to it better than I did but I didn't. And it just hasn't been a good fit for me. I missed my friends, my boyfriend, and my undergraduate institution. I thought I knew what I wanted to do but as the year and my degree progressed I have slowly started to realize that I don't think this is my calling. Higher Education is an incredible field but I haven't been finding meaning in my work. Not to say there isn't meaning like literally everywhere when working with students... but I don't have that passion. I have been reading a book recently for work and it is called, "Are You Fully Charged?: The 3 Keys To Energizing Your Work and Life" by Tom Rath. It kind of was in this moment that I was like, "woah... I don't think I am fully charged." (More to come on this book).
I have felt drained and lonely. And just so unsure of so many things. I sort of missed the old Kenzie. The happy, crazy, silly one that I used to be. Because of this, I am not sure what my next step is. Which takes me back to the thing holding me back as I enter into my 24th year... where am I going? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? I feel like there has been so many questions that never stop spinning in my head. And yes, my anxiety has often gotten the best of me this past year. But one thing I do know for my 24th year is I know I am proud of myself for coming out of the darkness this past year has brought and for finishing strong.
There were times I didn't think I could finish my degree and honestly I still feel like that sometimes. I come home crying and feeling angry that there are just so many things that are out of my control, but I remember that I have continuously won this battle and came out stronger for it.
I may not love my career path my Masters Degree has given me but gosh dang it I will have my MASTERS DEGREE! I may not love my living situation at the moment but I am surrounded with family and friends that love me. I may not be in love with my job but it has given me so many opportunities and experiences that I will forever be thankful for. And I may HATE every waking moment that I have to be away from Peter, but I know that I can survive it. That I can be happy with myself and love myself.
So yes, 23 was hard and 24 may not be any easier but it was a huge transition of my life and it has shaped where I am going. For now, I will try and be grateful for where I am and not sweat the future. I will try and accept the things I cannot control and change the way I react to them. I will be happy and thankful for another year ahead.
And for all of you 20 somethings out there struggling with similar experiences, you are not alone! Sometimes that's all I needed to know to feel better. And to know that you are doing the best you can!